7 Reasons To Never Date A Fellow Freelancer

Maybe opposites attract; maybe they don’t. But if you ask most people for relationship guidelines, they’re likely to say you should have things in common with a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. That’s great in theory, but if you’re a freelancer thinking about dating a fellow freelancer, you may want to sprint in the other direction. And if you can’t sprint because your legs are stiff from working on the couch all day, then stretch and slowly jog away.

Having freelancer friends can keep you sane (and is an easy way to network), but dating a fellow freelancer carries risks and stresses that would make structural engineers reconsider their careers. So, if you’re thinking about dating someone who, like you, lives on invoices and talks to the refrigerator, here are reasons that might make you want to reconsider the relationship.

1. You’ll never have alone time

When you date another freelancer, you’ll suddenly notice how much time you spend together. At first you’ll think: Awesome, we can both work from home and fool around when we’re bored. Or you’ll go on an unofficial tour of every coffee shop with free WiFi in your area and burn through your small-talk reserve.

Alone time is important for personal sanity. And if you live and work with someone constantly, you could end up smashing your laptop out of frustration.

2. One freelancer already brings enough financial stress to a relationship

I’ll make this one quick: Obamacare might make it easier for freelancers to get healthcare, but good luck getting a loan from a bank when both of you lack a steady paycheck.

3. Any pet you own will become neurotic

I’m not calling it abuse, nor am I saying that all other pet owners raise well-adjusted creatures that deserve to be painted by Norman Rockwell. What I am saying, however, is freelancers don’t exactly live on discipline. A pet raised in that environment belongs in a Woody Allen film, not a Rockwell painting.

4. Any child you raise will become really neurotic

Couples with pets are doing one of three things: gauging if they can raise kids, practicing for said kids, or sublimating their need for kids altogether. When a pair of freelancers can’t present a united front to their animal, it ends up confused and perpetually frustrated. If that couple decides they passed the test and want to pick up a human pup, that kid is going to need a millennium of therapy. For parents, preparing children for school is practically a second job that spans two decades. If a pet raised by freelancers belongs in a Woody Allen film, then a kid raised by freelancers would just turn into Woody Allen.

5. Everything becomes a pissing contest

The longer you live with your freelance beau, fights about trivial topics like waiting for the cable guy become bitterly competitive battles. You’ll learn to anticipate these fights—in an unhealthy way—by scheduling appointments when your partner needs you most. Then, you’ll tell lofty lies like, I can’t be stuck here between ten and two, this could be the biggest teleconference of my career! Then you’ll just hate yourself for saying lofty things about teleconferences.

6. Any professional success will lead to jealousy

Freelancing isn’t necessarily a zero-sum game, but even if your partner has a different specialty than you, scoring a gig will likely lead to some toxic combination of jealousy, insecurity, and passive-aggressive hatred. The rhythm of a freelance career ebbs and flows, and if your significant other is ebbing while you’re flowing, prepare for a lovers’ quarrel to lead to occupational warfare.

7. Two people in a relationship who talk to the refrigerator is one too many.

Yup.

Stay tuned next week for our one-item listicle titled, “Why You Should Date A Fellow Freelancer.”

Image via Streetwise