The Lances We Need to FreeBy Jillian Richardson June 23rd, 2014
People who aren’t in the inner circle of the freelance community usually think there is only one kind of freelancer: self-employed writers. However, those in the know are aware of an underground movement of freelancers whose job description is entirely different. These heroes are not merely writers. They do not use their pens as their weapons. Instead, they use sheer wit, brute strength, and glass-cutting lasers. Who are these people? They are the free-ers of Lances. That’s right— the famous Lances of the world are being captured, and only the freelancers can save them.
Here is a select squad of the notable Lances our freeLance warriors are valiantly working to free:
1. Lance Bass
NSYNC songs “Bye Bye Bye” and “It’s Gonna Be Me” have the power to move mountains, pick the perfect wine for a dinner party, and give French manicures one-handed. Who made those musical masterpieces possible? Lance Bass, that’s who.
But did you know that after his days of boy band glory, Mr. Bass went on to become a gay rights advocate, start a music management and film production company, write a New York Times best-selling autobiography, and rescue stray dogs? Oh, and he also got certified by NASA and the Russian Space Program. It’s pretty clear that when the apocalypse comes, Lance Bass will rescue us all. For now, it’s up to the freelancers to keep him safe.
2. Lance Snacks
Okay, so these are arguably inanimate objects. But what would the world do without portable, individually wrapped snacks? After all, it’s common knowledge that children aged five through nine wither without one serving of artificial, cheesy crackers per day. With the help of freelancers, these delicious snacks remain plentiful, and the children can live another day.
3. DJ Lance
DJ Lance is pretty much the Lord in the children’s television show, Yo Gabba Gabba. Except he’s better, because he rocks an orange jumpsuit and fuzzy hat with more swag than Jesus ever could. Plus, DJ Lance teaches us to embrace the joys of dancing and has given the world the best dance move ever created, the boing. Without DJ Lance, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today… because I would still be biting my friends.
4. Sir Lancelot
If you’ve ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you know that Sir Lancelot is definitely a man worth saving. Sure, he kills a bunch of people to save a princess who is supposedly in danger, but he’s good for a laugh.
5. Lance Reddick
If you’ve ever been afraid to go to sleep after watching a TV show or movie, it’s most likely because of Lance Reddick. He has terrified us as various villains in Lost, American Horror Story, Law & Order, and Fringe. But what fun would the world be if we only saved the good Lances? After all, everyone needs a bad guy to fight against. And as a good guy in The Wire, he still terrified us. Just to keep things interesting, we’ll rescue this Lance, as well—ideally with a dramatic last-minute hand grab as he’s falling off a cliff.
Editor’s Bonus: Lance Stephenson
Indiana Pacers forward Lance Stephenson is to basketball what Stephen Glass is to journalism: occasionally talented, oddly charming, and always prone to avoidable screw-ups. This summer, Stephenson will temporarily be a free agent, the equivalent of a freelancer in the world of pro sports. Freeing this particular Lance sounds scary, and we don’t want him to use this freedom to blow in the ears of opposing players, but if, god forbid, someone decides to make a movie about Stephenson, we sure as hell hope Hayden Christensen gets the starring role.
via SBNationImage by Darron Cummings / AP