How to Be a Writer, According to Stock Photos

As Ernest Hemingway once said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” While this quotation is 100 percent true, some of us don’t have a typewriter or the ability to lose large amounts of blood. So, how else can someone become a true writer? The answer can only come from one place—stock photography.

1. Immerse yourself in reading material.

To become a great writer, you have to read a lot of great literature. Start by finding a comfortable desk in the sky—you’re going to be here for a while! Rip out every page you read until a flying magician passes by. Ask him to enchant all of the pages so that they attack you until you finish your assignments for the week. Guess who’s getting off early on Friday?

2. Don’t be afraid to get intimate with your writing.

Words are just like everyone else—they’re attracted to good-looking people. So go on a juice cleanse, buy a tiny dress, and slip on a pair of stilettos. (The same goes for guys.) Spritz on some perfume and those ideas will be all over you in no time!

3. Get in touch with your deeper emotions.

And by that, we mean get super drunk. Have a decanter of scotch all to yourself. Crumple up a bunch of paper—it doesn’t matter if you write anything on them—and stare at them until you pass out. It’s all about the aesthetic! In the morning, you’ll wake up with a killer hangover and the feeling that you’ve become a true artist.

4. Protect your computer from bugs.

Put on a surgical mask every time you use your laptop. You don’t want to lose all of your hard work by getting a virus! That’s how computers work, right?

5. If all else fails, get a ghostwriter.

Namely, a child under the age of eight. These tech-savvy whiz kids know all the latest lingo, are faster typers than you, and accept payment in stickers. Bonus points if you can convince their parents to dress their son or daughter in business-formal frills.