My Freelancing Career in 25 Internet Headlines

By Jordan Teicher June 12th, 2015

His Parents Gave Him a Check so He Wouldn’t Have to Only Eat SpaghettiOs. What He Did Next Will Totally Shock You (Not Really, He Just Bought a Ridiculous Amount of SpaghettiOs)

He Hasn’t Written a Page of Fiction in Four Years. So Why Does He Keep Telling People He Wants to Be a Novelist?

Slideshow: The Zero Jobs More Dehumanizing Than Being a Freelance Writer [Error: 404 Not Found]

The 13 Most Convincing Ways to Change the Subject on Hanukkah When Cousins Ask, “So What Exactly Do You Do All Day?”

You Won’t Believe How Many Times His Nana Asked Him: “When Are You Going to Get a Real Job?”

Why Couldn’t This Guy Get Laid When Lecturing His Girlfriend About the Oxford Comma?

Video: Woman Storms Out of Restaurant as Man Chases After Her Shouting, “It’s Not Your Fault, Babe. You Probably Had a Bad 5th Grade Teacher.”

If an English Degree Doesn’t Get You a Job, Does It Make a Sound When You Shred It During a Feverish Existential Crisis?

Getting His First $1,000 Gig Felt Good. Spending the Entire Check on an Ergonomic Neck Pillow Instead of Paying Rent Felt Even Better

How to Write a Successful Pitch Only Using Emojis and GIFs

They Said He Would Never Wear the Same Sweatpants for a Whole Month Without Washing Them. They Were Wrong. Then They Stopped Talking to Him, Because That’s Gross

His Friends Told Him He Was Acting Weird. So Why Did His Dog Tell Him They Were Just Jealous?

Quiz: Are These Comments From Angry Readers or Terrorists?

10 Brilliant Ways to Write Listicles That Don’t Crush Your Soul

He Thought the Editor Would Like His Pitch About the Oral History of Mini Golf. What He Did Next Caused His Computer to Shatter Into 159 Sad Pieces

29 Free Tools That Will Stop You From Watching Porn During Business Hours

Video: Writer Kicked Out of Coffee Shop After Using Free Wi-Fi to Access Inappropriate Websites

When His Girlfriend Came Home From Work and Found Him Like This, She Said He Had to Get Fresh Air. Which Was Good, Because He Hadn’t Been Outside in, Like, 72 Hours

His First 20 Pitches to The New York Times Were Just Ignored. So Why Did His 21st Pitch Land Him on The No-Fly List?

An Open Letter Full of Obscenities to Editors Who Say Things Like, “It’s Not a Good Fit,” “I’m Going to Pass,” or “Not Quite Right” Without Including Any Explanation

Should You Email Matt Damon’s “How You Like Them Apples?” Clip from Good Will Hunting to Editors Who Turn Down Your Ideas That Get Published Elsewhere? One Non-Expert Weighs In

His Freelancing Career Was Giving Him Ulcers. Here’s Why He Got a Tattoo of Sisyphus and Kept Doing It Anyway

Vote: Should He Take This Editorial Internship That He’s Significantly Overqualified For?

They Offered Him an Internship at $10 an Hour. When He Asked for $11—and They Agreed—He Started Weeping Uncontrollably

Slideshow: The 10 Most Optimistic Freelancers Still Living With Their Parents

*This article is based on true events. It was inspired by Joe Lazauskas’s “My Content Marketing Adventures in Internet Headlines,” which was inspired by Sam Apple’s “My High-School Years in Internet Headlines.”

Image by Brian A. Jackson/Shutterstock
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