Humor

Inanimate Objects to Talk To When You’re Freelancing From Home, Ranked

By Joe Lazauskas February 28th, 2018

I spent my first few months as a freelance writer in New York hopping between sketchy short-term sublets with the sunny optimism of an old-timey train hobo exploring the great west coast. The thing that got me to settle down was an ad on Craigslist that simply read: “Amazing Sh*thole!!!”

The big appeal—besides the plywood coffin shower next to the stove and the toilet jammed in a pantry closet—was that it had two rooms. This meant that I could designate one room as my freelance office and write it off my taxes. But as most freelance creatives know, the real joy of freelancing at home isn’t tax evasion; it’s all the weird things you’ll do home alone trying to get the creative juices flowing.

In particular, you’ll start talking to inanimate objects. All the time.

But, you may ask, what are the best inanimate objects to talk to when you’re freelancing from home? Here are my favorites, ranked:

7. Refrigerator.

You didn’t start it. When you’re freelancing from home, it may feel like your fridge is talking to you most of the time, tempting you to just come on over and eat everything inside. You deserve it, having written 250 words of that article about programmatic advertising for your B2B ad-tech client. And isn’t it weird how you got those ads for animal slippers after talking about animal slippers in your Whatsapp group thread? Isn’t Whatsapp supposed to be encrypted? Crap. Talking to the fridge again.

6. Framed photo of you from a happier time

You’re not crazy. You’re just like an emotionally complex protagonist in a rom-com. So what if your deadline is in 23 minutes? You’re fine. Everything is fine.

5. Shampoo bottle

Bonus points because it doubles as a microphone. Didn’t you read somewhere that singing unlocks the right side of your brain? Best to spend the next 40 minutes Googling to find it.

4. Your computer

Why the hell are you running so damn slow? Damn Apple. Can’t even handle 43 open tabs of research about singing unlocking your creativity. Happens every time a new model comes out. It’s a conspiracy!

3. The TV

It’s been a long morning. You deserve to zone out to a little Maury. Wait, did he really just say that to her?! You’re a real piece of work, Jasper. Own up to your responsibilities. Sheesh.

2. Laminated Saved by the Bell Poster

Dark horse pick—every freelancer between the ages of 30 and 40 has this, whether you want to admit it or not. You picked it up at the college fair freshman year, and it’s secretly stayed with you through your last eight moves. And so what if you want to pull it out of the closet and talk to it sometimes? Zack Morris talked to the camera every episode, and he married Kelly Kapowski!

1. Alexa

You’ll even talk to it with the power turned off, since you forgot you unplugged it for the space heater. You’ve been screaming at it to tell you the weather for five minutes straight so you know whether to change into your warm pajama pants to go outside. Except, of course, you can’t go outside. Your deadline was 13 minutes ago, and you need to get cracking. Just after one quick visit to the fridge.

Image by Squared-On / Unsplash
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